I just did the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I made the choice to put my puppy Kisses down.
Its been sixteen long amazing years with her by my side, I’ve had her since I was twelve years old. I remember the day I got her. The day before I went to the pet store with my mom, I know we’re horrible we bought her. I remember she was so tiny she fit in my hands omg she was so small. I begged my mom for her but we ended up leaving without her because that little bitch was expensive. The next day I came home from school with my sitter and there was a note on the kitchen counter that said there was a surprise outside, I remember she was sleeping in a planter that was on its side in the sun.
baby legs, baby kisses
Having her in my life made me a better human, having a dogs love is the best feeling in the world. Seeing her happy face the second I got home from a shitty day at work, having her cuddling with me on the couch. OMG I miss her so much already.
Kisses was sixteen and in her last year she lost her ability to use her back legs, I wasn’t ready to put her down when that happened so we got her a wheelchair and man did she love that thing. The day we put her in it for the first time she RAN around the house so happy she could get around on her own with out dragging her body around like a person in a horror movie that got their legs cut off, or wobbling around.
Putting your pup down is the hardest thing, coming to the decision of it and following through with it. I selfishly kept her alive for maybe longer than I should have because I just couldn’t imagine my life with out her. I reached out to a Facebook group I was in and just kinda asked some advice on when you know if it’s time and I got a recommendation to read a book called “Just one more day” which OMG is the saddest book ever it’s just a collection of peoples stories of when they made the choice. The book was helpful for me hearing the stories of when they knew it was time but most dogs were ill, which I think would have been easier for me. Kisses was wagging her tail and begging for food up until the last hour. We aren’t sure if she was in pain or just frustrated that she was unable to move around.
The day after it’s happened, I am feeling empty and sad. I have so much guilt. I keep thinking what if she feels sad, what if she doesn’t understand why I made the choice to kill her, I don’t want her to feel like she did something wrong and I punished her by killing her. I don’t believe in God but playing God is extremely hard to deal with. She did pass in the most beautiful way possible, besides passing on her own. This little Russian woman showed up to our house, 10 minuets late which was amazing because at 7:55 PM I was freaking out every time I saw a car drive down our street, she came in and seemed very sad about the job she had to do. I was sitting far away from her with Kisses in my arms sobbing and feeding her all the bacon we cooked for her. She explained the process of what was going to happen over our loud sobs. She passed in my lap I got to hold her paw and kiss her head the whole time. For the shitty horrible circumstance it was very beautiful. It felt like seconds and she was gone. My heart hurts. She was an amazing dog and I’ll love her forever.
If you are in Chicago and you need to do this I highly recommend Last Kiss at Home
the last photo I took with her sobbing my face off.